Last summer I learned what the terms “depression” and “anxiety” really mean. I don’t like to go back and read my blog posts from that time period. Although a random stranger might not be able to tell, when I read those posts, I read what I was really saying. I’m sick. I’m scared. I’m so very tired. I just want to be done. I wasn’t actually contemplating suicide or anything, but many days, I wished that I could just skip the rest of my life and go to heaven because it would be so much easier.
If you’re new to the blog, I was very sick last summer; I’ve been sick for almost a year now, but last summer was for sure the worst period of it. I was incredibly sleepy all the time, I had headaches, it was hard to breathe 24/7, my hands and legs would tingle and cramp, etc. It was an endless parade of doctor’s appointments and being so tired and still dealing with normal life stuff (haha, activities other than visiting the Mayo Clinic website every day and trying to keep track of all my doctors and medicines), and I was weary. I was so weary. Between being sick and starting college algebra (math and I have never been on good terms, to put it lightly) and a whole bunch of other stuff–it was too much. Some days I felt like I’d never smile again. I found a note in my phone just now from almost exactly six months ago that reads:
Tonight everything is pushing in on me. I’m stressed about school (yes, already–I will never understand college algebra). I don’t feel worthy. I’m upset with myself that I want people to view me a certain way. I have so much stupid pride. I want new friends, but I don’t want to lose my old ones. Well–most of them. I feel despairing that I will ever make a difference in this world or do anything of value. Most of all, I am so very very physically tired and weak and weary and sick of being sick.
Everyone has bad days and everyone has times where they feel like this, but I had a lot of days like this. I can’t pinpoint an exact moment, and I can’t tell you how. I just know that sometime last September-ish, this depression went away. Not completely, of course; I still feel it coming on occasionally. Just writing about it puts me in a not-great mood because I remember how awful it was. But now, it’s once every few months instead of once every few days. And when I do feel it coming on, I pray. I saturate myself in Scripture. I simply don’t let myself fall prey to those thoughts anymore. I’m still sick–yesterday was my 18th birthday and I spent the morning in bed feeling awful. Yes, I did throw myself a brief pity party, but then I got over it and had a nice day. The last few months, I’ve been so grateful for my life. My word for 2017 is “serve,” and I think that’s something that really helps: focusing on others. I have a Post-it note on my bedroom door that reads: 1) God 2) Others 3) You.
I wasn’t really planning on ever sharing this–I don’t particularly want to hit publish on this post–but tonight a friend and I were having a casual conversation over text that suddenly got much deeper. I mentioned that I was depressed and scared and weary last year. She said that because she had experienced similar periods of depression before, she could tell I wasn’t okay. She said she was praying hard for me, and that made me stop in my tracks and just stare at my phone as tears came into my eyes. Somebody noticed. Somebody knew. Somebody cared.
So here’s my point: if you feel like you’re alone tonight, you’re not. If you think nobody cares, you’re wrong. If you’re hearing lies in your head that you have no value or no worth or that this life isn’t worth living, that’s what they are–LIES. You are not alone. Somebody always cares. You have infinite value and worth because you are a child of the King. Because of Him, this life is worth living. If you need a friend, please hit up my Contact Me page. I feel like someone needed to read this tonight, so even though I don’t want to, I’m going to click “publish.” I hope that someone was you.