Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

I wrote a great blog post in my head last night during the hour I was crying in bed before I went to sleep, but I’ve forgotten it all by now. Keeping it real.

Blog? What blog? Oh yeah, I have a blog. I keep meaning to post, I really do, but I’m always too tired or I’m doing other writing or I honestly just don’t have anything to say. Lately I’ve had more bad days than good days–I’ve been having some of the worst days I’ve ever had, actually, and I don’t really want to share all the ins and outs of those with the whole world. No offense. 😉 If you’re wondering, here’s your fifteen-second update: my health is awful all the time, it’s turning my present and my future upside down, and we’re waiting for my November appointment with the neurologist. Some days I’m secure in Christ, but a lot of days I’m overcome by worry; sadness for everything I am losing; confusion; and just plain weariness. Heaven is so real to me now and I am so ready to get there.

It’s my greatest hope that one day I can tell you what God did in my life the fall of my senior year when I was so very sick, but right now, I just can’t. So for today, I looked back through my WordPress drafts and found some bits and pieces of things that I typed a while ago.

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I want new things, new friends, new places, but I desperately don’t wanna lose the old. And I’m just stuck in this in-the-middle place, wanting to step out into the unknown but be able to come back to my safe little place at the end of the day. And right now, I can do this, but not always–I won’t always have that safe little place–next year I won’t be able to come home every weekend even if I wanted to. I guess I understand the quote now that says “beginnings are scary, endings are sad, but everything in the middle is worth living for.”

I don’t know if it’s a plus or not that this is no longer a problem for me. I haven’t thought about it in weeks because right now, it’s all I can do to physically function. And some days–like today–I can’t even do that. Reading the line “next year I won’t be able to come home every weekend” hurts something in my heart, because honestly, in my mind next year is pretty up in the air.

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(I have a slight obsession with the sky, if you haven’t noticed.)

Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered. I’ve seen this phrase a lot lately and wanted to think about it. Sweetly broken. Sometimes, when you are being convicted of sin by the Holy Spirit, it feels like being dragged on your stomach over gravel… unpleasant, uncomfortable, painful, but it definitely makes you shape up quick. Sometimes I need that bouncy, rough, wake-up call. But “sweetly” broken. While I’m not totally sure on this, I feel like it means gentle, and loving… like Someone who loves you VERY much is just gently tapping your arm and saying, hey dear, please don’t do this because it hurts Me so very much. And wholly surrendered. Wholly is such a final sounding word, and normally final is sad to me, but here it’s just comforting. This whole phrase together sounds beautiful and lovely and like something I absolutely want. Make me sweetly broken and wholly surrendered. Turning everything over to You.

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At the beginning of my senior year, I was struggling with some relationships. Everything in every part of my life felt different–I had the same job, but it was different. The same softball team, but it was different. Same church, but it was different. I had many of the same friends as last year, but every relationship was different. Old relationships held new tensions; then on the other hand, there were some people that I met a year or two ago, and kept in touch with, but it wasn’t until this summer/fall that I really got to know and love them and it was beautiful. People were leaving my life and people were coming back into it, and some days I was better at embracing all this change than others. The truth that Jesus truly is the only constant became very real and precious to me, especially as I thought about how it’s not going to get better–people will always be leaving my life, especially in this teen/young adult season.

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(here’s hoping these guys are always in my life)
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(and this one)

I’m learning to know the will of God. For much of my life, I have tended to be fickle; for years and years, I would latch on to an idea, go crazy with it, and then be over it in a few days–things like, I’m going to make a movie. But I can look back over the last year or so and pinpoint a few specific things–my job, the Bible study I’ve started, my new partnership with Ringor Softball (go here to buy a cute water bottle/lanyard/t-shirt and help girls coming out of human trafficking!) that I just couldn’t get off my mind. With each of those things, the initial idea was planted, and I would be very excited about it. Then I wouldn’t hear anything, and I would think for a couple of months that it wasn’t going to come through. But it would still be on my mind–every day, all the time. Each of those three things is now a big part of my life, and they’re all wonderful. Another trend I noticed about these things is that my motives were pure–at the outset of each of them, I had a very firm plan in my mind of how I would use them to share Christ. I’m not saying that this is how God reveals His will to everyone, or that He will always reveal His to me like this–but it’s cool to look back and see these things.

So there we go. A token blog post about things that I used to be thinking about, but I quit thinking about them, but after writing this post I’m thinking about them again. I’m praying to start this week with a new perspective of joy, peace, and contentment that will be long-lasting. Also, if your phone number is in my phone, you’ll be getting a text from me tomorrow morning (or at least sometime tomorrow–I work from 8:30-5. Pray for me) asking how I can pray for you this week. I’m afraid this whole thing with my health is making me self-centered, and that I’m not keeping up with relationships and showing love to others like I need to be. I pray for myself all the time, but I can’t really remember the last time I prayed for somebody else, and I’m really ashamed to admit it. If we haven’t talked in a while, feel free to text me first and let’s catch up. 🙂 I promise I love you, even if I never blog. Ha. Ha.

P.S. Is anyone else as excited for fall as I am?! I NEED orange leaves, cool days, jeans, scarves, and coffee. The pictures below aren’t mine–I stole them from Pinterest–but I had to add them anyway. BRING IT ON.

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2 thoughts on “Sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

  1. Hailey my dearest, I pray that you will continue to stand firm in the one who understands your days. He loves us and can never abandon us. I hope your health is better and yet still you still have faith in the one that knitted you perfectly in His image. Hugs today 💞.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I was this wise when I was 17. I think I can empathize with you for some special reasons: 1) I’ve dealt with serious health issues and long seasons of health-related uncertainty and 2) I’m your father.
    You have obviously learned one very important lesson–look outside yourself. The more you force yourself (and yes, sometimes it requires “force”) to jump into the lives and problems of others, the less you will fixate on your own worries.
    Allow people to pray for you and with you. I think we actually affirm other people when we show we trust them enough to let them know what we are struggling with. I feel privileged when someone gives me permission to pray for them.
    God has a plan. I wish I could say it was an easy plan, full of only things we perceive as good and things we would always welcome and look forward to and choose for ourselves–but that’s not true.
    But (that’s a very important word) God always has His best in mind. Always.
    I read a quote not too long ago that I like a lot–from a not very spiritual source (John Lennon). “In the end, everything will be alright. If it’s not alright, it’s not the end.”
    Praying for you and with you for God’s best.

    Liked by 1 person

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