Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship and friends. What I want in a friend has changed over the years. When I was little, I just wanted someone who would play the games I wanted to play. In my tween years, I desperately wanted a friend who was as obsessed with classical piano as I was. My perspective on friendship has shifted drastically over the last few months, though. Now it’s more than games–I want my friendships to be deep and vulnerable and real.
Vulnerability. Isn’t it funny how we’re positive others have it all together—look at her fashion sense, and her good grades, and how she’s so confident in her faith. If only I had her life!—when, often, they’re looking at us and thinking the same things? I used to want people, even my good friends, to think my life was perfect, but recently I’ve developed a new philosophy: being vulnerable and sharing your heart. Hey, I’m a mess. Hey, so am I! Let’s be messes together. Sure, I like to have fun and joke around with my friends, but I’ve realized that that’s not the only thing friends are for. Sometimes you need someone to laugh with; other times you need someone to share in your tears. I no longer want to just go have a good time and pretend everything is okay. I want my friends to tell me if they’re hurting so that I can pray for them, and I want to know that they’ll reciprocate this for me. Lately my friendships are maturing and deepening and I absolutely think that this is why.
Some days, I do want shallowness. I want to talk for hours about trivial things and exchange lighthearted, carefree banter. I want friends that I can text because I need help picking out an outfit. But most days, I want so much more. I desire deep, real conversations about matters of eternal importance. I want friends that I can text because I’m being tempted and I need prayer. I’m learning that it’s easy to make acquaintances, but that I want to be choosy about which of these relationships I will allow to deepen into an actual friendship. At this point in my life, I have many friends, but only a few of these friendships are really deep and beautiful. I’m completely 100% okay with that. I’m the type of person who would rather have a few good friends than a crowd of mediocre ones.
At the same time that I’m searching for real friendships, though, I’m realizing more than ever that I still need to be friends with girls who don’t fit my newest description of the ideal friend. I can’t hold someone at arm’s length and refuse to be friends with them just because they only talk about makeup and don’t text me Bible verses. I absolutely still need to show them love. Then again, like I said above, I want to be careful about the friends I surround myself with. I want strong Christians to be my closest friends and build me up to help me minister to my other friends and acquaintances.
There’s a lot on my mind and heart today. I have a lot of softball this week and I’m worried about my health. I found out this morning that my friend’s family is in a bad situation. SATs are looming, as always. I should probably stop writing now or else this post will never end.
The sun just came out and I’m sitting here listening to Bethel Music, and suddenly things don’t seem quite so bad. For many years I was kind of upset that I didn’t have a “best friend”–you know, that one person that you’re with so much that you can finish each other’s sentences. But I’ve gotten over that. I do have many beautiful friendships that I’m so grateful for. I also have the ultimate Friend who will never fail me. He knows me so completely and loves me still. I hope I can be that kind of friend to the people in my life.